mara is my best friend.

is it bad that mara is my cat?

i have found my senior year of college to be the worst yet and not that any previous years were bad, but this one is worse than all of my high school years combined, and that is pretty awful i must have to say.

1 week shy of my 21st birthday and here i sit, alone in my apartment with mara sleeping on my lap.  its extra crummy because today is my friend adams 22nd birthday.  i have been looking forward to this day so that i could go out and enjoy the company of the people i used to be so close with but never seem to see anymore.  i was told there would be dinner involved so that i could be a part of the social gathering.  and here it is, 10:30 PM and i have just gotten word that dinner happened earlier and sorry, but now they're going out for margaritas and will continue to bar hop for the rest of the evening.

i hope you have fun.

really, it sucks enough that i cant go out and celebrate or just go out and have drinks because thats all any of my friends do anymore which coincidentally has made me lose all of my friends because i cant go with. but, to tell me you want me there and that you love me and then to diich me....  well, it kind of stings.

oh i know i know, in one week you'll be 21.  hooray for that.  bullshit.  these people aren't my friends.  no one here is my friend.  it seems that the people that cared would spend that extra time to include me, because they "care."  well you dont care.  and im tired of caring for you.

i feel so awful for my boyfriend because even with him being 3 hours away he gets the brunt of my depression.  last week i freaked out on him and then cried for nearly two hours explaining why.  tonight i call him and tell him i get to once again sit at home on friday night because i have surface friends.  i get snippy with him and i get short with him instead of telling him that i need him.  lucky for me, he's been understanding.  i guess i take it out on him because i have no one else to.  because i love him and he's not here.  because if i had him, my life would be fine.  the person that loves me would be near and i would feel a purpose instead of a waste.

you want to know what kills me the most?  that my best friend from kindergarten is becoming one of those surface friends.  that even he can't go out of his way to show me that he still wants my friendship.

and i guess that hurts more than anything.

but i've got mara.  without her and her needing me to feed her, i think i would have slit my wrists by now.